what took you so long

i couldn’t stand the nagging thought at the back of my head pestering me to update. so yeah…i would say that there were many times where i actually log in to my blog account and hit the new post option.  the best part is  i actually had lots to say  and would have probably have typed two to three paragraphs then it would suddenly just feel pointless so i’ll just delete the post. i’m determined this time though to go on and complete a whole  post….

so, the other day i was talking to one of my sis and she mentioned a random thought. she said that assuming that she were to die at the age of 65 ( i think it’s an ideal age to die too..hehe), and that she’s 23 this year, she had lived 35.4% of her life and that with each passing day, 0.0042% of her life passes by. now, some would rather pass on that thought and ignore it but it kinda got a hold on me. jan visited me and lin a few weeks back and talking to her really got me reminded of the me then. i definitely have changed so much. in form five, can say lah that i was more adventurous, more crazy. there were so many times were i would say, screw it or whateverlah and just go and do what i wanted. like just skip school or class and go do something more entertaining, hoh jan. i was more daring. at that time, i imagined myself doing either  anthropology or journalism or something. i wanted to go overseas (Switzerland?…hehe). but that was then. now is a whole different story.

i guess it’s the place here. makes me very immobile. if i wanted to just go and do something, i have to trouble other people. i actually feel like i’m growing stupider with each passing day. so, i have actually been grumbling to my sis and to myself  about how stuck i am. and that when i graduated, i would have wasted 7.7% of my life here. and then…it hit me. i’m probably the only benggong person feeling this way. maybe because there are not many people here who are from kl and miss the whole rush. and maybe because the others were being more creative and finding ways and means to undull their sad lives. maybe i give to much excuses. so today though i knew it was pointless, i forced myself and dragged my huge lazy ass to the convofair committee recruitment interview. i’m sure i won’t get it. i only went there for the experience of attending such interview. at least now got one interesting thing to add, no?

so what has all this got to do with my sis’s random thought? i think it scared me. you know the thought that i have about 70.8% more to live. and that 7.7% of it will be wasted and it sucks real bad if i spend it under  piles of books.

but now, after giving the matter much thought, i think i wouldn’t call it wasting. i choose engineering and utp for a reason. and that is very important to me though it’s freaking hard. i  guess i have to grow up and stop complaining. i can’t just say screw it or whateverlah cause it’s my precious life i’m affecting. i should stop comparing my life to other people. just because other people are joining every single thing and going to every single place, and passing every single test doesn’t mean that is life and that is how it should be in order, to say that i spent my live efficiently and happily.you see i’m real smart. but i’m not quick witted. so i think it’s ok that i’ll be spending 7.7% of this life piled under books. some will call it boring and pathetic. some will say that i’m wasting my life. but i’m actually beginning to like it. the excitement of getting a freaking long e-maths question right after hours of doing it or finally getting the hang of the Fischer projection. i’m gonna go slow and steady and enjoy every part of my studying process. it’s more fun and meaningful that way. i’ll be giving it my best-est and i’m gonna ignore the results. it’s less stressful that way.

i’m not saying that i’m going to lock myself up in my room. i’m just saying that i have cut down my leisure time to an adequate but not to a depressing amount. and that i’m allocating  this 7.7% of my life for my mental upgrade. that way i’m not wasting any percent of my life but rather…hehe..spending it wisely.