if it’s alright

ok i can’t concentrate. random thought overload…sigh. i’ll get this out and move on to what i have to do…hopefully.

i always thought life was just like the movies. i  somehow always manage to associate or relate the happenings in life to  certain certain movies. well, i don’t know it’s just how my mind works. i always have a song or parts of book popping in my head to title up situations. neways, back to movies. noticed how movies always have a twist to it and the whole situation gets chaotic then voila happy ending. ok no i’m not going to go ranting that my life is not like the movies because i have yet to find my happy ending…boohoo. well at least not in this post…hehe

my point is, i’ve heard sooo many people say, “life is not like the movies…” well you  see, i never thought of movies as a depiction of a person’s whole life. like the happy ending is not a happy ending to their life. instead it’s just a rendition of a cetain moment. like boy meets girl, they fall in love and happy ending. that’s just the ending to that chapter of the story and not the story itself.

ergo, life is excatly like the movies. problem comes in. your whole world turns upside down. then things fall into place (happy ending). then another  ‘movie’ takes places and the whole  cicle continues. rinse and repeat.

haha. told cha it’s random.

ok back to sleeping studying. happy studying. ok wait how in the world did that phrase even come about? happy studying? WTH!!!. it just hit me seconds ago that this widely used dumbass phrase is not as fancy as it seems. in fact i can actually sense a lot of sarsacm in it. don’t u think so? daim! it’s like saying have fun suffering.

i’ll stick to the good old days’ good luck then. so yeah…good luck studying people. yes, much better…

supergirl

i’m feeling very very happy now. i don’t know exactly why. just feels like all the crappyness plus childishness and aduhfyingness seems irrelevant now. all i know is that i’m very happy.

and i don’t know or care now what mr.shamsul gives us for our project, i’m giving us an A++ with a hundred million stars.

and after sooo long. today i’m finally going to sleep peacefully. and i really  hope that today at least, you people are happy too. it’s a nice feeling. hehe

I’m the perfect disaster,
You can’t stop me.
Comin’ faster and faster,
But you just watch me.

Walkin’ every wire,
Set the world on fire.
No one shining brighter.

I’m Supergirl.
I’m fire red.
I’m all aboard.
I’m in your head.
Everybody knows.

I’m Supergirl,
I’m everywhere.
Those flashy lights,
They stop and stare. – supergirl, saving jane

can’t stop now

i just needed to blog to keep me awake. i fear if i take another cup of coffee, i’ll die of intoxication.hehe. well, i needed to take a break from AW. it feels like one side of my brain is overworked so i want to balance it off. besides, i think i’m on the verge of dozing off  anytime soon cause i have yet to sleep. well except for the unplanned moment where i kong-ed for an hour. and i most certainly cannot afford to sleep now. lots to do. no i did not start doing this at the last-minute. this is more like finishing it at the last-minute. editinglah, rewritinglah…

at times, i get the ahhhh-screw-it  moments and i ask myself what will i do if i don’t get a good mark for this. is this all worth it? should i just copy and paste stuff ? it’s very tempting, especially when you’re sleep deprived. but, i believe and i always try to remind myself about the personal satisfaction part. like eventhough you like work your ass off but still don’t get the credit you deserve. maybe because you do it according to your point of view and perception and the lecturer thinks other wise. or simply because it’s wrong.

like there is this part of me that actually enjoyed this whole process. like scanning the whole library for books related to the topics. actually reading them. then i know i might have pissed ppl of cause i was so fussy about our aim for this paper. but it was fun fighting about it and then coming up with an agreed idea. then go on changing the topic, and redoing everything all over again.haha. very tensioning at that time. then panicking cause got problem with the blardy pie charts. and later coming up with a solution to the problem. and we actually did it right! then cracking your head for pathetic excuses on why ur fake (hehe) data is such. and the list goes on and on. actually come to think of it, i never felt more like a uni student then for these past weeks. i mean first time doing an actual assignment. and doing things i never thought i could. so looking back on all these, how can i not feeling anything but satisfied? never really like this phrase but somehow it seems fitting here. just do your best and just except what happens next. yes, i did do my best…so i’ll just let whatever that will be, be. i’ve got personal satisfaction and that’s more than enough at this moment.

but, boy i can’t wait to hand this in. then i’m going to come back and just sleeeeeeep.

ahh…see this worked…i’m all better now. very optimistic. ok back to work!

ps: do ignore the spelling and grammatical errors here. in a rush mah…

first of the gang to die

why oh why does the bloody Academic Writing assignment seem never-ending? i have worked on it since the beginning of time, and i am still struggling to finish it up. it honestly is dehydrating my brain. i have to think so much. well, my lecturer is pretty…erm detailed. so,  when i type something, i have to like reread it over and over. try and figure out if it’s self-contradicting?  is it viable? is it academic enough? then, refer back to all those books just to make sure i have all my facts absolutely right. and you know also to just try and imagine his reaction to each sentence.

well, it is a good thing actually. it’s  good practise, just like he said. it’s really making my brain work. it’s a lot of hard work, but, tomorrow when i hand it in, it’ll be a humongous lift of my shoulders. like i can once again inhale profoundly, and exhale with much relieve. then, i can actually focus on the finals. well, no i still have test 3 for intro to the oil and gas industry. yes, then i can finally focus on the finals.

well, i’m actually worried about Academic Writing. and no, i don’t categorize that under English. this is actually a headache giver. you see, i’m the type of person who when writing, choose to be very lengthy. like before coming to my point, i like giving it a grand intro and it can get pretty lengthy too. my writings are usually very disorganized. points are everywhere, and  i make a lot of redundant sentences to fill my random tralalas. thus, making it impossibly hard for me to do summaries. like i always think that they are all usually important. then, i’m actually quite bad when it comes to vocabulary. it’s like i know the words but they don’t come tip tapping on my fingers when i need them. i  had this problem since small, so i usually just blurt out meaningless-crappy-i don’t-know-what-else-to-say-to-best-describe-it words. like, tip-tapping, dong-dong, blokasei, kiche bang, re-ish, nyiok-nyiok and many more. blogging or personal writing is easy because i can actually get away with these words. but not AW. oh no, you have to use academic words.  oh and my spelling…horrendous!

well, this is something i HAVE to get used to whether i like it or not. because, i have 3 and a 1/2 years more to go. and i sure as hell will be doing a lot of academic writings. oh well, i’ll worry about that later shall i. now got to get back to the assignment. oh and i decided to change back to  my first blog layout. the previous one was too depressing…

soak up the sun!

well, personally, this goes out to mei lin. i was bored and came up with this as a response to her  comment on my new shoes post. her comment was – im trying to squeeze my brain juice for a test & a quiz tomorrow. but i guess it’s all dried up.. huhu. and she seems very stressed and all even in her display messages on gtalk. so, my response to that is…

oh, the stupid test!

honey, just do your best.

even if all the answers were guessed,

and you’re very stressed.

soon you’ll be blessed,

so don’t be depressed,

or you’ll get a cardiac arrest. !

hehe…well  cheers and good luck!

if i were a boy…

Even my skin is acting weird.
I wish that I could grow a beard.
Then I could cover up my spots,
Not play connect the dots,
I just want them to disappear.

new shoes

It’s ten past eleven, I’m half way up to heaven
But I’m stuck in reality

What you see and what you hear,
Can never be exposed.
Acting out of character,
Is everything we know.

My mind’s kind of tender,
My body’s tired.
It’s freaky but I’m ready for this bumpy ride.
Everybody’s tripping,
It’s all insane.
But the voices in my head are saying it’s okay.

white houses

wow it’s november already. i  seriously think that this sem passed real fast. i mean compared to the former sems, i  used to think that they were passing by in a crawl. anyways, i was looking through my poetry collections just for the fun of it and i came across one of my (and sisters’) favourite poem from  Childcraft. brings back memories…hehe

Sick

by Shel Silverstein

“I cannot go to school today,”
Said little Peggy Ann McKay,
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash, and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more–that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut, my eyes are blue–
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke–
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb,
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is–what?
What’s that? What’s that you say?
You say today is—Saturday?
G’bye, I’m going out to play!”

well, for those of you who don’t quite get this poem or lazy to read kah, it’s about this girl who does not want to go to school. so, she comes up with all these excuses saying that she’s sick. but then she realises it was actually saturday and suddenly she’s all well and ready to go play. hehe i tried to memorize this when i was young to use it as an excuse to not go to school.but i failed of course. considering that i was such a creative child, i used to on the stove, and stand above the heat, so my forehead will be hot. then, run to my mum and complain i have a fever. ya i know…i’m smart.  but of course my parents outsmart me. you see the stove in my house is bloody loud. when you on it, the whole freaking neighbourhood can tell someone just on-ed the stove. haha so yeah, they figured out as much.

nevertheless, i never gave up hope. i always managed to come up with clever excuses. like, no school today cause it’s the headmistress’s birthday and she decided she wanted to celebrate with family so she’s closing the school for a day. or, i sometimes, i pretend like i died or something and cannot wake up. silly me. fyi, no my parents never believed any of them. well, i thought it was the perfect lie then. now, i can see the flaws in the lie in every possible way.

leave get out

i was reading through my previous posts, and i sure as hell might have been scaring people away.  i mean people visiting my blog for the first time, or anytime for that matter would probably go like, ok skip emo, emo,emo,emo, emo…oh god this girl is such a sad case. well it’s not totally my fault. it’s not like i can help it anyways.

but it sure as hell does not give me the right to go mopping around for such a long time. so i mentally gave myself a tight slap on my face today. hopefully i’ll snap out of this craziness.

anyways, i’m in a good mood today. probably cause the weather’s real nice. and i’m also feeling a little more semangat to study. and i hope you guys are too…

“in life you’ll meet a lot of assholes. that’s just the way it is. but we’re Segrans. nothing gets in our way” – Mrs. Segran aka mom

sitting, waiting, wishing

should i jump?

oh no! hang in there summers. we’ll be back home real soon

hmm..fine...

ok so i’ve officially lost my mind….

decode

aww, please don’t take this too hard on yourself, sweetie. i know fairly well that you’re all screwed up, up there. i don’t blame you for being stupid or idiotic. i understand it’s  you and you are just being yourself and i respect that. like totally. chill, don’t stress out. seriously. we don’t want your fickle mind to be more screwed than it already is, now do we.

muaks!

here i sit

lil heads up ppl… i’ll basically be ranting from this point onwards. so, if u see an update, it’ll probably just be a post of me grumbling. so i suggest you just ignore  it

*****

i have too many random thoughts. they take up most of the space in my brain. i cannot let them accumulate because then, it leaves me with no room for new input. so, i choose to channel them. i would bug my sis, blog about it, write poetry, scribble over my table/ wall/ notes/ books and occasionally… ok nevermind. i know it might make me seem like a crazy person, but hey it clears this head of mine. sometimes i feel like i need to get myself a real good filing system for my brain, hoping it’ll get things sorted up.

however, i can’t seem to do that these days. i mean ya i’m blogging but it’s not fulfilling enough. i can’t think straight and i most certainly cannot concentrate.

i tried drowning in coffee (it usually works…), bugging my sis, going for a walk, study elsewhere, mentally force myself to buck up and even tried staying  10  ft away from my laptop but it seems like my head has a mind of its own. it’s so stubborn, it won’t listen to me! i spent 2 precious days doing nothing. just been blogging, blog hoping and doing all the crappy things i can do over the sucky internet. the assignment left hanging. looking at it only makes matters worst. i  find myself wondering elsewhere every time i open my book. i can be totally oblivious that i’ve been reading the same lines since like forever.

i don’t know. i just don’t seem to care anymore. what ever will be will be right. i know when the results are out, i’ll be cursing and hating myself for this. and i know fairly well that i’m being difficult and stupid now. but like i said, none of this seems to matter or makes sense anymore. i’m just not feeling any of this.

how i wish i had marry poppins to give me a spoonful of sugar to make this medicine go down…:(

sugar, we’re goin down

looks like i’m back at square one. all those nights spent , no use what so ever.

when i first got the assignment, i didn’t mind. i was quite semangat actually. i looked forward when it came to searching endlessly all over the irc and internet for articles.

but now, with two tests just around the corner and finals in just 18 days time (i’m way behind in my studies), this is anything but fun. in fact it’s getting frustrating. and i fear the hands of time are not on my side.

none of this would have happened if things had gone as planned. but honestly, who am i kidding here.

well i’m in no position to complain am i and neither am i in a position to refuse what has been laid.

then again, it’s somewhat a mandatory process no?

there’s a forest to cut through with torns and vines

there’s no reason to try

freak on a leash

i didn’t hand in my quiz today. why?

haha…i just didn’t feel like it.

don’t let me get me

“when you look ahead of you, do you see it in moments or the big picture?”

my sis posed this question to my dad the other day. and it got me thinking…am i a moment person or otherwise?

the rational thing to do would be to see the big picture. i mean that’s how you get motivated or it pushes you to move forward. because ahead of you, you see this beautiful picture consisting of everything you hope for.

but there are some who prefer the moments, as claimed by this certain someone.

i think i’m a big- picture- person. i like to know the plan so i can maneuver myself efficiently. i don’t trust myself to be spontaneous in life. the thing is the “big picture” isn’t functioning accordingly. instead, it’s doing the exact opposite. also, i’m too focused on the big picture, i overlook the moments. and that’s not good because it makes things seem harder and exaggerated to impossibility.

so i have decided to switch. i want to be a moment person. i’m not so sure if it’ll work. i’m gonna try nevertheless.

i know. i know. 20  more days till finals and here i am crapping. it’s not like i have nothing else better to do. in fact there’s lots to do. i’m getting my fat ass back to work now…just  needed to get this of my mind. think i’m gonna have a mental overload real soon.